OMG, this is TOO funny

I was on fanfiction.net and I found this HILARIOUS list.

Church Announcements


Once again, Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:


Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in the private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the chuch have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement.

A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is away. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I've Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."